The Comings & Goings Down At The Stream.

As usual on my way to work this morning I paused by the stream, my little family of ducks were all there rummaging around in the reeds and looking expectantly to me for a crust of bread.  I watched them for a few minutes and was just about to resume my journey when I noticed somebody new.

I have never seen him before but he is quite a cute little fellow, he is about the same size as the ducks but much sleeker, he has black plumage save for a white stripe on each wing and some red around his beak.

But his most striking feature and that which I like most are his bright green legs, they can clearly be seen beneath the water paddling away furiously.

I really hope he stays a while.  We did have a couple of swans not long ago, they were very regal and refused point-blank to acknowledge my calls, then suddenly just as quickly as they arrived they vanished.

Come to think of it I haven’t seen the water-rat for a while, I do hope he is alright, maybe they hibernate, I’m not really sure.  I like to think of him tucked up in bed somewhere in a burrow all safe and sound waiting for the spring.  I do hope he remembered to set his alarm clock.

The Dog.

Ten phrases that all dog owners will recognise.

1. I’m sorry he’s never done that before.
2. Has anyone got a plastic bag, he’s done another one.
3. What on earth have you just eaten.
4. EEK – (Said when he greets you while you’re wearing a mini skirt.)
5. What’s that he’s rolling in.
6. Nobody touch him until he’s been in the bath.
7. Please calm down, I promise to buy you another pair of shoes.
8. Quick run before anybody notices.
9. Has anyone seen that cake I just put on the table.
10. Pass the air freshener and Sandy don’t buy those treats again.

Dedicated to the wonderful world of dogs.  You simply cannot live without them.

A Question Asked, But What is the Answer?

I have had a little talk with Rachel and have been given something very interesting to think about. 

She asked a simple question “What would you do if for one day you were the only person in the world, the only proviso being you must obey all the rules of the land”?

After a little thought I replied

1. I would try on all the clothes in the shops and buy the brightest colours.
2. I would run along the banks of the river until I could run no more.
3. I would dance in the Dingle.
4. I would go to my favourite restaurant and eat chocolate cake.
5. I would go horse riding.
6. I would climb the highest hill and scream just to be loud.
7. I would exhaust myself having fun and being stupid.

“Why don’t you do it all tomorrow them”? she asked.

“Because tomorrow I won’t be the only person in the world”, I replied.

“So”, she said, “why are you letting other people prevent you from being yourself”?

I am going to have to think about this one.

The Devon Days – Midnight Fairylands.

I lay in bed wrapped in the silence of the night, through a gap in the curtains a beam of moonlight shone laser like across my room falling on the little statue of a fairy I have on my dressing table.  The gales of the last few days had blown themselves to a gentle whisper and in the distance I could just make out the murmur of the sea.

Very quietly I crept out of bed and walking tip toe to the window I threw back the curtains bathing myself in a cool ghostly white light, never in all the days I have walked this earth has the moon looked as beautiful as she did that night.

Before my very eyes she started to transform the countryside into a magical world of fairytales.  That moment I knew winged horses danced in the surf, somewhere a knight in shining armour was starting out on a quest to rescue his princess.  In a clearing deep within the forest a gingerbread house had just materialised and in the small church on the hill illuminated only by their love Romeo embraced his Juliet.  You see there are no unhappy endings in my fairytale world.

The moon was hypnotic, she was enchanting me, bewitching me, I could feel myself falling deeper and deeper under her spell.  In all the moments there has even been this one was special, this moment belonged only to me.

A gentle peace descended upon me, my mind and spirit were calmed by this magical night and gently, so very gently that I hardly noticed….time…slowly….stopped.

In a distant land a million miles away a bird of the night screeched breaking the charm, I blinked my eyes and desperately reached out to grasp my fairytale land but it was too late, it was already melting into the darkness.

I closed the curtains and went back to my bed and with my quilt pulled up to my chin I drifted off to sleep.  When I next opened my eyes it was the golden light of dawn that lit my world.  I stood up and walked over to my wardrobe to get my dressing gown wondering now if my night-time adventure had just been a dream. 

A slight movement in the corner of the room caught my eye, I turned my head and stared at the little fairy on my dressing table.

Had she just winked at me?

Will You Come Into Town With Me Please?

I apologise for my moodiness of late, but there is one thing that usually brightens me up and that is a walk.  I thought today we would go into town, I would usually drive you but this time of year the parking is really chaotic so if you don’t mind we will go on the bus.  Right then all ready?  take my hand and we will set off.

The bus drops us off in this street, mind that puddle there.  If you look to the far right you can just make out a bookshop.  I have spent many hours in there looking for my favourite authors latest novel.

We will turn right now into this little courtyard, you can’t see from here but on the left is a little restaurant and the food they serve is absolutely delicious.  I sometimes meet Emm’s in there for lunch.  We’ll just head towards the main shopping street now, I want to buy some gloves.

Hmmm, looks a bit busy today.  I am not all that desperate to buy some gloves – I’ll tell you what, lets head for the river, it’s much quieter down there.

Thats where I usually park my car, I told you it would be full.  I’m not sure what that lovely old building is used for but it is a good landmark to find the car park again.  Come on the river’s not too far away now.

We will just walk down this road, it’s a lot quieter here isn’t it.  I love these old town houses, if ever I win the lottery I will buy one these.  At the end of this road is the park that leads to the river.  Not far now I promise.

Here we are, the entrance to the park.  That is our war memorial over there, we will pause here just for a little while.  If they gave their lives for our freedom I think the least we can do is give them a minute of our time.  Thank you for waiting with me.

Here we are at last by the river, it is so beautiful and peaceful here.  I have walked these banks many, many times and never grow tired of the scenery.  I will take you to another of my favourite places now.  It is called the “Dingle”, and is quite well known in Shrewsbury. Take my hand, it is just over that little rise there.

Beautiful isn’t it, I spend a lot of time here just sitting and watching the world go by.  You wouldn’t believe how many little birds come here to feed, there is one little corner of the Dingle I must show you.  Follow me.

I love this statue,  all the times I have just sat and gazed at her.  Lets be quiet for a while, the sounds of the town cannot be heard here.  Just the gentle rustle of the wind in the leaves, the singing of the birds and the waterfall trickling into the lake.  I’ll leave you here now because I really want to go and get those gloves.  You know what bus to catch, see you in about an hour and I’ll have a cup of coffee waiting for you.

Thank you for coming to town with me.

Bye bye.

Downstairs The Clock Chimes The Hour.

Not all of my posts make it onto my blog, I email them to Emily first who vets them for me. To repay her for her kindness I do all the books for her company, I can do numbers.

They come back a day or so later with a YES or NO on them.  This post came back with a definite NO.  Post this one Sandy she said and you can say goodbye to all your blogging friends.  I hope I don’t, but life is not all blue skies and sunshine and as my blog is about my life it should reflect that.  Here then is the post that did not pass the censor.

Sitting on the little table I looked out of my bedroom window, I am living temporarily in a different house but the view is still familiar to me, downstairs the clock chimes the hour.  My mind is telling me lies again, it tells me nobody cares for me, it tells me I am stupid, ugly and worthless. 

I know they are lies, I have had enough therapy in my life to recognise my thought patterns but it takes strength to fight the voices, strength that I do not have so it is easier to believe them.  I close my eyes and a distant memory comes out of the mists.

I am fifteen years old again and on the brink of adulthood, I am standing in a line ready to board the coach, we were going on a school trip the location of which escapes me now.  I stood slightly apart from everyone else, as always alone.  I did not see the bag swing but the shock of it hitting me made me drop my own bag, the glass drink bottle inside smashing as it hit the ground.

A sarcastic voice behind me sings out “Sorry Sandeeeeee”, I ignore it and kneel down to pick up my possessions noticing as I do little red droplets spattering onto the concrete.  I walked back to the classroom a hankie pressed to my lip trying to stem the flow of blood.  I did not go on the trip that day and neither was I missed.

Downstairs the clock strikes a quarter past the hour, another scene comes to my mind.  I am sitting in the corner of the room avoiding all eye contact, it is group therapy and the counsellor asks me to introduce myself.  I stand up and mumble “Sandy”, she asks me to use my real name, “everyone calls me Sandy” I reply and sit down again.  I ignore the silence, it is a trick they use to encourage you to talk more but I am not falling for it.

We do an exercise to increase self esteem, we write our names on a piece of paper and pass them to the person to our right.  I look at the paper I have been handed, I look at the man and read his name, I have to write something nice about him.  He has kind eyes so that it what I write.  Robot like we all pass the papers to the right again.

My paper eventually comes back to me.  I read the list, it transpires I am quiet, intelligent looking, deep thinking.  Someone thinks I have nice hair, another simply says pretty.  But my mind is having none of this – they would say these things wouldn’t they.

Downstairs the clock strikes half past the hour.  My mind is giving me no respite today, it has found a little crack in my defences and has won, it tells me society has turned its back on me, well so be it then I no longer care, let people think of me as they will.  This day I now turn my back on society.

I don’t know what to do, keep or delete my blog.  Remain at or resign from my job.  Stay here, go home, move in with Emily or go back to Devon.

I think maybe I will return to Devon and hide away.

Downstairs the clock strikes a quarter to the hour.

I am lonely.

I am tired.

I am confused.

I am not me.

I am sorry…………Please humour me, do not leave any comments for this post or send me any emails.  These are the ramblings of a mind that is not working properly and it does not deserve any attention.

These moods pass though, I have had them before and I know I will have them again.  This morning dawned brighter than yesterday and hopefully tomorrow will be brighter still.

I just have to be patient and ride out the storm.

The Devon Days – Walking.

I sat in the corner of the room hugging my legs, my chin resting on my knees and watched Emily writing at the table.  I wanted so much to be like her, she has a natural grace and easy confidence I have always admired.  The room was quiet and the clock ticking away the hours on the wall was starting to intrude into my blackness, outside the wind was blowing a gale and I knew it was going to be a bad day – a bad day in my head that is, I did not mind the weather.

After a while I uncurled myself from the chair and went upstairs to my room, casting my dressing gown aside I critically examined myself in the mirror.  I had not been feeling very well and I was losing weight again, half a stone in just over a week to be exact.  I had to be careful, I could still hide it at the moment but much more and people would start to notice and I did not want to go down that road again.

The wind howling outside my window brought me out of my daze and I started to dress ready for my daily walk down to the beach.  I dressed for the weather, woolly tights, trousers, thick socks and boots.  I took out the jumper my mom had knitted and felt a little comfort as I pulled it on, I was starting to miss her.  A raincoat, hat gloves and scarf completed my outfit.  When I next looked in the mirror all I could see were two little eyes.

I trudged down the stairs and after a muffled goodbye to Emily I opened the front door and stepped out into the storm.  Head down against the wind I headed for the coastal path taking tiny little steps, still cocooned in my own personal blackness the outside world made little impression on me.  As I neared the path I noticed a man and his dog approaching, wanting nothing to do with people today I crouched behind a wall and waited for them to pass.  The man walked by oblivious to me but I was spotted by his little Jack Russell dog, I blew him a kiss but he was far too interested in tracking the many rabbits who lived nearby to take any notice.

When they had gone I stepped over the style and started to walk down to the beach, without knowing it the walk was starting to chip away at the dark walls that surrounded me.  I started to notice the flowers, started to hear the birds and feel the wind blowing on the little bit of my face that was exposed.  A right turn by the wooden bench and I was at last standing on the sand.

I walked as close to the sea as I dared and sat down listening to the waves washing over the shingle.  I had heard that the sea around this part of the coast was especially deep and that the Royal Navy sometimes tested their new submarines here.  Wondering if I was being watched through a periscope I waved to the emptiness.  Smiling to myself I could picture the scene in my head.  The captain of the HMS Top-Secret turns to his number one and exclaims “By Jove Smithers the boffins at HQ said the sub is supposed to be invisible yet there’s a woman on the beach waving to us, back to the drawing board”

By now the cold was seeping through my many layers so I stood up, brushed off the sand and headed back to the path.  The walk is a little harder going home being the uphill stretch but the walls were crumbling fast now and I put all my energy into walking up the slope as fast as I could.  I know my mind is fragile but it was reassuring to find my body is still strong, stopping only occasionally to catch my breath the cottage soon came into view and with a sudden burst of energy I sprinted with flailing arms to the gate.

Just outside the front door I collapsed onto the ground and lay there, my heart was pounding away in my chest, I was struggling to get my breath back and there was a strange sensation on my face.  I was laughing to myself – overhead the little clouds raced across the sky and a very ruffled dove clung to the branch of the little apple tree.  The door opened and Emily looking down started to laugh with me, “I’ll put the kettle on, don’t catch cold” she said.

The blackness was gone, it was going to be a good day after all.

I Am Back.

I cannot believe that nearly three months have passed since I last updated my blog.  As you may have guessed by the title of my post I am back, a little earlier than planned but we had a wonderful break and it is time for things to settle back down to normal now.

So what then have we been up to?

Truth be told not an awful lot.  Emily spent most of her time reading and doing puzzle books and I spent mine going for lovely long walks and trying to make friends with a stray cat.

We went exploring off the beaten track and found some of the prettiest little villages you could imagine, one afternoon while we were in Cornwall we were told by one of the locals of a little known but very magical place not too far away.

It was quite a hike but when we got there it was such a humbling experience.  I cannot even begin to describe what a beautiful place it was.  I have never felt so close to a spiritual presence in all my years as I did that day kneeling by a river in the middle of a forest surrounded by ribbons, prayers and peoples wishes.  I could have stayed there all day.

I am not ashamed to say I am a very emotional person, my head is ruled by my heart and unlike Emily I cry very easily but I noticed that day she shed more than a few tears.

I also have an embarrassing little tale, I managed to get my car wedged in a car park.  The front wheels were tight up against the kerb and I got the rear dangerously close to a barrier.  Emily was very helpful uttering little remarks like “how the xxxx have you done that?”

I had to shuffle back half an inch then forward half an inch and after what seamed an age I was free.  Needlessly to say multi-story car parks are now a no go area.

On the whole though I have not changed much, perhaps I am a little fitter for all of the walking but I am still very much me.

Goodbye – For a Little While.

I feel quite sad writing this post, I am for the time being going to suspend my blog, “The Last post” ends here for a while.  There is a lot going on in my life just now and I can only concentrate on one thing at a time.

Emily and I have decided to go back to the coast to spend some quiet time together, I have very understanding employers who suspend my contract for me and Emily owns her own business so there are no time restrictions for us.

There are some personal issues I want to address, nothing at all to worry about, I am quite well – just think of it as maintenance rather than damage control.  Then I want to spend Christmas with my family, we usually all gather at my parent’s house and this is very special occasion for me.

So all being well I will resume my blog sometime in the New Year.

Thank you to all my blogging friends who have left me such nice comments, please, please do not forget about me and my little blog it is not the end just a little intermission.

To end with I want to leave you a photograph of my little lane where the white flowers grow.

With love,
Sandy
XXXXXX

Snap.

If I see something I want to photograph the procedure is quite simple, I take out my mobile telephone, select the camera option and click – I have a picture.  I admit it may not be a perfect picture but it is a picture none the less.

However when Emily takes a photograph the procedure is quite different and requires the two of us.

First from the small suitcase she carries we extract a camera that must have cost her a couple of months salary and has more buttons, dials, buzzers and gizmos than a space ship.  Next we switch on the camera and spend a few minutes reading the little computer screen on the top and make the necessary adjustments.  Now this is the critical point, we align the shot – I am not allowed to speak during this operation as it requires a great amount of concentration.

But we have not yet taken the photograph, a little light has told her that the camera needs yet more adjustment and she has decided a different lense is required.  I am then handed the camera to hold (“with both hands please Sandy”) while she rummages around for a lense that looks exactly the same as the one already attached.  The old lense is detached, I have to cover the hole with my hand so a bug or something doesnt fly in while the other lense if readied and finally clicked into place.

There then follows more adjustment, alignment, a look of intense concentration then as I wait with bated breath we finally press the button and in the space of a second she has taken fifty shots machine gun style of the exact same subject.

I think I prefer my way, it is so much easier.